Longtime issue with my dad

[P-chan]

I would like some advice on something from the amazing Tales Family.

Aleu, you should already know what this issue I'm talking about is.

Once again, summer is coming. Every summer since I was a little kid, my dad would go out golfing. This doesn't seem so bad so far, but there's more to it. When he first started, it was really casual, like going out once or twice a week just for fun. However, in the recent years, it's turned more into a problem, and has sort of been breaking up the family.

When I was in middle school he started a routine of going out every night, right after getting home from work about three and coming home in the late hours of the night, around nine to eleven. This is only on days that he works, though. Weekends he can pull off long stays at the golf club from five or six in the morning until about nine to eleven at night. The total hours he's out golfing in the week is usually more than the hours he actually works.

It's gotten even worse over the last few years. Ever since my aunt introduced him to some reclusive golfing club, he's been going to tournaments out of state pretty much every weekend. This results in long drives over hundreds of miles, and a lot of wasted gas. My dad's the kind of guy who's so nice, he gives everyone nearby a ride in his truck both ways, and never lets people drive him. With the rising gas prices, thousands of dollars just disappear every summer.

Money's not the only matter, though, since even though he spends lots of money on clubs and gas, he still is hardly home. I never get to talk to him, and we never do anything together anymore during the summer.

I've tried talking to him about this, but he never listens to me, or my mom. My mom, in fact, is very distraught about the issue, and has been considering a divorce, but she's waiting until I finish high school for my sake. I understand if people golf just as a hobby or to relax, but my dad is just way too obsessive (or as he likes to say, "passionate") about it. We don't really know what to do.

Thanks for reading my ramble if you did. >.> Any advice?

[Kriven]

Have you considered locking him in the house? Or... pointing to a... gas station price? T_T;

Not sure what to do, it's like, how do you punish a parent? What if you asked to play golf with him? Then you can spend time with him, and maybe he won't be in a "No no no!" attitude while speaking to him [about this issue] during the game.

[P-chan]

The thing is, I haven't played golf with him since I was about nine. I have no current clubs that fit me to speak of, and even then, I don't like the sport. Maybe because he plays 18 holes like three times in a day, and I couldn't walk that much if I tried. >.> *amazingly out of shape*

[Kriven]

Use one of those golf cars. They're fun... Beep beep!

[P-chan]

He never lets us get one because (this is funny):

"They cost too much money."

[Arynielle]

Golf... I've had some funny conversations about this topic. As my Taekwondo buddy Sharkface says, "Golf isn't a sport." Of course, I don't really swing either way in the matter since I don't particularly like golf, though I don't care if people consider it a sport or not. The fact is that golf is really just chasing a little while ball around with a stick, much like football is beating the crap out of others who have a deformed ball. This is totally off topic so I'll shut up now; I just had to say that I think a lot of sports are over-rated. I mean, sure, have fun, be physically active, enjoy the companionship and competitiveness. However, when a sport takes over a person's life... that's a whole another story.

I know you've said that you've tried talking with your dad and I don't doubt you but what exactly did you say? A simple "you're playing too much golf" obviously isn't going to change his mind since he can just use that "passionate" argument against you. I think that you really have to sit down with him. Don't make it casual conversation because it's not. His behavior is affecting your life and has an emotional impact on you; it's not fair for you to have a dad who constantly plays golf and spends little to no time with his family.

After telling him that you really need to have a serious conversation with him, let him know how you feel. Don't sound accusatory or anything of the sort because as much as it is his fault, you don't want to make him feel defensive. Once a person feels offended, then he will begin shutting out all other ideas in an attempt to defend his own beliefs. Basically, say nothing about how golf isn't really a sport, say nothing about how much gas money he's spending, say nothing about how he's being a horrible father by acting this way.

In fact, if at all possible, don't mention the topic of golf at all. He already says that he's passionate about it; taking a whack at something he loves doing will automatically make him feel defensive about his obsessive hobby.

Focus on your own emotions. Tell him how you're feeling, how you're being hurt by his constant going away. Tell him that you miss having him around and spending quality time with him. Tell him that you don't feel like you have a father anymore because he's always away. Tell him that you feel as though he doesn't know anything about you, that he is never around long enough to realize that you're growing up into a young lady . Tell him that you'd really like to spend some more time with him, to have several days of the week when it's just you and him. Tell him that you want to feel like a daughter again.

I don't personally know your dad so I don't know how he'd reply to that but if he persists with the whole "passion" spiel, then start laying down the facts subtly. Frankly, if he were my dad and I just poured all of my feelings down onto the table for him, only to find that he ignored them... well, I'd start getting a bit frustrated, peeved, irritated and maybe even a bit touchy. [Hurt too but I think my bitterness might overpower that feeling.]

I have yet to decide whether crying is good or not in this situation. I have been told many times that crying is one of the most powerful things that a girl can do, though I suppose it depends on your dad's personality. You did say that he was nice so I'm assuming that it may help in this situation. Now, I'm not encouraging alligator tears or anything of that sort but if you feel as though you're getting emotional and you have to cry, I think it may be better if you simply just let it all out. That way, you're dad may just see how much he's hurting you with his behavior.

Before I have go on [Trust me, I have plenty of ideas], I must ask: does you dad know that he is ruining his marriage, that your mother is considering a divorce? If not, it may be best to let him know how bad the situation is. If so, I'm left speechless.

[Jukka]

Aww P-Chan..I'm sorry That really is a bad situation...that's really good advice from Ari though I don't know how else would be a better way to handle it.

If you need to talk more, we're here

[Kriven]

Wait a second Ari... You people make fake tears?! T_T

[Arynielle]

May 17, 2008 7:19:41 GMT -8 Kriven said:

Wait a second Ari... You people make fake tears?! T_T

I never said that.

[P-chan]

Well, I discussed this with Aleu a long time ago, and he suggested pretty much what you just said there, Ari. I caught my dad one time while he was home and sat down with him to talk for a while. Unfortunately, my dad's not the kind of person who likes to talk a lot, and conversations with him about this usually end with no response. He's the silent type, I guess, under most circumstances. When my mom talks to him about this (which she has done a lot), she usually gets the same response of nothing.

And yeah, my mom flat out told him that she wanted a divorce a year or so ago, actually, and he just didn't answer. She even said she was planning on getting the papers and going to court, but he still didn't reply. She just gave up on talking to him now completely. My mom hasn't talked to him since around mid-November last year.

[Arynielle]

I totally don't want to sound heartless or anything but from what you've said, the divorce may just be for the best. I mean, he's acting pretty apathetically by remaining silent and ignoring your pleas; unless he is willing to change, there's hardly anything you can do to make him change him mind. Of course, if you're still willing to work with him, then continue to talk with him. Make him respond. Let him know that you're taking his silence as a notion that he doesn't care and isn't willing to change himself in order to make yourself and your mother happier.

[P-chan]

He'd have to sign the papers, too, though, wouldn't he? I don't think he would since at heart he actually is pretty attached to my mom and me.

[Arynielle]

For the divorce? Yeah, he'd have to sign papers.

Well, if he is as you say "attached" to you and your mom, then you'd better get it through to him that you can't stand his constant being away from home.

[P-chan]

I don't really understand him. My mom told him that she was going to move away from him once I graduated from high school, and he kept saying he was going to come and follow us.

She's going to divorce him after I finish high school no matter what, though. She's just sort of stopped caring about this situation and is just waiting it out. @_@

[Arynielle]

Your poor mother. I hope everything works out ok. I suggest talking to him at least one last time though...