Longtime issue with my dad

[Kriven]

>.< That's a disturbing thought, P >.>

Hmm... I only have half-year neighbors, they leave in the winter

[zeloswilder]

do they go south for the winter? haha a bird joke... wow... sorry that was bad

[P-chan]

That was in the same league as a Kriv pun. XD

[♫ Busan ♫]

My neighbors are old people who never leave their house.

[P-chan]

Bringing this back on topic, while trying to fall asleep last night, I heard my dad come home. My mom found out that he was planning on ordering a custom set of golf clubs and started to flip out at him, and in the process of doing so, spoke to him the first time since November.

She let him order them, though, and there goes about $500. >.> I was yelling at her this morning and asking her why she did that, and she just said she gave up on him.

[zeloswilder]

P-chan... truthfully, i dont know what to say... i cant imagine what being in that position must feel like. just know, and i mean this, that my heart goes out to u 100% and if u need something, im around, always. you're in my prayers, you and everyone involved.

[P-chan]

Aww, thanks, Zelos. ^^

[zeloswilder]

no problem

[thedarkaeon]

I hope things improve soon P-chan

[Shiori Ailill]

My turn:

First, **hugs P-chan and her mother**. I'm sorry you're going through this sort of crap.

Although I do want to shake your mother and tell her to put her foot down. She's not helping ANYTHING by doing what she's currently doing, if nothing else, is making things worse. Actually say "no" it'll do wonders. But then again, everyone has to try and make things work, not just your father. I commend you for actually trying, unlike your parents.

Story time:
My dad's an engineer, very smart in his field, everything else (especially in the communications department) sucks, and he's more stubborn than a mule who decided that he doesn't want to go anywhere. He's also been verbally abusive in the past (verge on physical on a couple of occasions but I don't take that and tell him so), and it doesn't help that he's borderline alcoholic. Now I won't start at the very very beginning 'cause that'll take too long, so I'll start when things really got crazy.

Oh note on my mother: She has severe Rhumatoid and Osteo arthritis. She can physically barely do things (although she does them anyway and overdoes herself and is basically out of commission for two days afterwards). You can see which of her joints have cartilage and which don't (most don't). She stresses easy since she's in constant pain, and tends to be the biggest worry wart that I know.

It started last September. Dad was on a conference call (he was working from home that day), I had a call from a friend of mine going on my cell when I went downstairs to talk to him while reading the paper. I went into the other room so that I wouldn't disturb my dad. Apparently I was still too loud 'cause I felt a sharp pain in my back which turned out to be a pencil that he threw at me. I don't take crap, plain and simple and told him so, almost started a row but anyway.

Mom and I left I think that day (memory is fuzzy). I stayed with my best friend, and she stayed with a close friend who was semi in the area for about a couple of weeks. Then Dad went on a business trip for a week, and Mom and I went back home. When it was about time for Dad to return, Mom wrote a respectful email asking Dad that since she was under a lot of stress at the moment, to hang his hat elsewhere when he got home.

Dad came home cussing out my mom, "You're not kicking out of my Godd*mn F***ing house." Terrified her and she packed a bag quickly and left, coming to my work to tell me to stay at a friend's again. After a couple of weeks we were in our own apartment and she had filed for divorce.

In the six months that Mom and I had that lease on that apartment, Dad made drastic changes. They went to counseling (at first by themselves but on one of Mom's appointments they went together). Dad actually admitted that he was borderline alcoholic (which is a great improvement because whenever someone mentioned that he had a problem before he would get incredibly sarcastic and say "Is that so?") and has cut back on his drinking. He's verbally better too, isn't as condescending etc. And I'm sure there have been a few times that he wanted to bite my head off (and me him but I too hold my tongue) so I commend him for the change.

They aren't getting a divorce anymore, but it was still a very expensive wake up call, since attorneys are quite expensive. But my parents do still love each other, they just had problems that they are now working out finally after they had gotten out of hand.
[/story]

Now what I want to say is. If your dad still wants to keep the marriage and work at it, if and when your mother files for divorce might be what actually gets him moving for change. Yeah she said that she will, but so far she hasn't and so far nothing has really changed between them from what it looks like. So he might be thinking that they're empty threats.

Now that --^ only your parents can work out on their own, if they even want to try, which they might be at a point that they don't want to try anymore. If that's the case, then it's usually for the best because if they continued to stay together when they don't want to try anymore, it would be a miniature hell for everyone, and that's no fair on anyone, especially you who has done nothing wrong here.

About you:
There's two paths you can take
1. You can continue to try and talk to you dad. You can try various ways on trying to get through to him. There is one problem with this. Realize that there is a possibility that you won't get through to him. I've tried talking to my dad multiple times most of the time it went through one ear and out the other, other times I thought that I might be slowly getting there (those times were usually on weekend mornings when he didn't have that much time to get half-drunk). But I eventually realized that I wouldn't get through with him and went to path 2.

2. Give up trying to get through to him and live my own life without him. Your mom is currently doing this. Now this one is hard, because you are giving up on your father changing. You will grow up and he won't see it 'cause he's golfing, but that is his fault. Perhaps when you move out or graduate college or get married or whatever (hopefully it will be when he gets the divorce papers), he'll finally realize his mistake and try to make up for it. It'll be hard because you want him to be a dad to you and want him to be there, but just remember that you weren't the one pushing everyone else away and that you did try to get him to see your view on what's happening.

I wish you the best with this, and like many other people here I'm here for you. **hugs**

[P-chan]

Aww, you've gone through a lot of hard things, too. D: *glomps*

Thanks for the advice, Shiori. ^^ I think I might have to take path 2 in the end, since it doesn't seem like my dad's going to listen to anything I tell him. >.> He never talks anymore. He didn't even say anything when he picked us up from the airport yesterday.

[Shiori Ailill]

**ish glomped** ^-^ Yeah but everyone has crap that they have to deal with in life.

I'm sorry about your dad though, I'm just hopeing that the divorce papers would move him like they moved my dad into shaping up.

[P-chan]

Hmm, well, my dad is Hmong, and his mom never liked my mom. >.>;; She thinks my dad should just be married to another Hmong person and not a Chinese person, so she'll probably just buy him a new wife or something if my parents really do get divorced.

I think I really just posted like half of the whole story on the first page. >.>;;

[Shiori Ailill]

yeah I understand, I only posted the last third I think of mine.... **hugs**

[P-chan]

*hugs back* Thanks for the support, though. ^^